PERFECTIONISM-INSUFFICIENCY IN THE CLOTHES OF PERFECTION

Perfectionism is not perfection, but the fear of inadequacy. Freedom is found when you dare to be good enough just the way you are.

What may outwardly appear as ambition, diligence, and an enviable enthusiasm for doing things, may actually turn out to be perfectionism upon closer inspection. Perfectionism looks good, but at its core is often fear – fear of failure, criticism, and inadequacy. It is like an invisible weight that sits on our shoulders, whispering that we must do more, be more, and achieve more in order to be enough and gain acceptance.

PERFECTIONISM – THE ROOTS RUN DEEP

Perfectionism is a phenomenon that can take shape in our childhood and grow into a part of a one’s way of facing life. However, it does not grow in a vacuum, but often stems from situations where a condition is attached to your experiencing love, acceptance or a sense of security. It answers to a question: ’’If…then…’’
Many perfectionists say they grew up in an environment where their value was determined by achievements, performance, appearance or perfect behavior. A child learns early on that love or attention is not permanent, but must be earned by being “good” – kind, quiet, attractive or successful enough. Such experiences form the idea that one’s own value is not innate, but tied to performance. The lack of attention, care and admiration leaves a bottomless longing, which one then tries to fill even in adulthood.

Perfectionism can also have its roots in intergenerational inheritance and societal expectations. Parents who have themselves experienced similar performance pressures may unconsciously pass these expectations on to their children. Society, in turn, often encourages the pursuit of perfection: there is no room for mistakes, and every achievement is constantly compared to the achievements of others. Not a good thing at all!

SECURITY AND CONTROL-COPYING MECHANISM

Perfectionism can also be a way to create order and security in life if it has otherwise been absent. If there has been chaos in your childhood – such as conflicts, unexpected behaviour from parents or fear of rejection – you may develop perfectionism as a way to control your environment. ‘‘If I do everything perfectly, I can prevent difficult things from happening…’’ Or ” if I feel worthless or insecure about my abilities, I compensate it by doing things beyond my limits.” This can also manifest itself in pleasing behaviour, performing tasks, appearance and controlling others.

PERFECTIONISM: FRIEND OR ENEMY?

Perfectionism may seem useful at first. It can drive you forward and bring you success, such as praise and recognition (for better or worse). And because it is so rewarding, it feels tempting to continue it. You start to think that your self-worth increases when you receive attention. The trap here is that in the long run, it takes more than it gives.

But why is this pursuit so deeply draining? Because it shuts out humanity and kindness—the things that make life truly meaningful. Perfectionism leaves no room for mistakes, nor for learning from mistakes. Instead, it fuels self-criticism and constant dissatisfaction. It is exhausting, brings a constant feeling of inadequacy, and undermines self-esteem.

When you stop performing, attention may no longer be forthcoming, making you think that you are no longer valuable. If you no longer have a pedestal in your community (e.g. at work, etc.), but instead there is a healthy and equal atmosphere in the community, you may feel bad and worthless. You may even start to blame your community in your mind for not being appreciated. The reason for this is that you are used to receiving attention on the pedestal where you have placed yourself as an overachiever when seeking attention.

On the other hand, perfectionism may also isolate a person, because in fear of mistakes, a person may withdraw from close relationships and situations where they fear that expectations will demand something from them. Then, reaching their own potential is not possible.

TOWARDS A MORE GRACEFUL LIFE

Understanding the roots of perfectionism is the key to letting go. It is important to ask yourself:

• What kind of expectations were set for me as a child?
• How was I noticed as a child?
• Where did I get praise and where did I get reprimand?
• How do past experiences affect how I treat myself (or others) now?
• What would happen if I didn’t strive for perfection, but for good enough?
• What is good enough?
• What are my true strengths right now?
• Addressing the roots of perfectionism will help break its grip.

Life isn’t perfect, no one is perfect, but life with all it’s imperfections can be very meaningful!

Your value is not based on what you achieve, what you look like, or what people think of you. Your value is based on the fact that you exist. You are valuable, right now, just the way you are. 💛

If your actions and accomplishments are not based on seeking attention and approval, then you can truly reach your full potential, grow and develop while enjoying what you do.

If you feel that perfectionism is taking more than it is giving, stop for a moment. Take a pause! Ask yourself the questions above and think about what would happen if I gave myself permission to just be?

The answer may surprise you – and free you.

You are enough, right now, just the way you are. Remember that. 💛